Keeping up with the Jonesy

Their first kiss.

Their first time.

Their first boyfriend or girlfriend.

You guys have it all wrong.

It’s not about your first, it’s about your last.

She was an angel disguised as a devil. Only those who dared were able to see her beauty and experience her joy. 

He was a devil disguised as an angel. He tempted you with all that was good and holy and then stripped you of your virtue. 

The two facades met, not knowing what the other was hiding.

Time and life passed by, as they often do. Those who were once two, became one. 

In the blink of an eye, it was too late to be undone.

He stole her beauty and her virtue, leaving her with the seven deadly sins.

She was now a devil disguised as a devil and he an angel disguised as an angel.

And to those around them, nothing had changed.

She was an angel disguised as a devil. Only those who dared were able to see her beauty and experience her joy. 

He was a devil disguised as an angel. He tempted you with all that was good and holy and then stripped you of your virtue. 

The two facades met, not knowing what the other was hiding.

Time and life passed by, as they often do. Those who were once two, became one. 

In the blink of an eye, it was too late to be undone.

He stole her beauty and her virtue, leaving her with the seven deadly sins.

She was now a devil disguised as a devil and he an angel disguised as an angel.

And to those around them, nothing had changed.

Battling with diabetes, I was always curious if others went through what I went through, or if it was just me personally that couldn’t handle it. Reading the diabetic confessions on tumblr make me realize that it’s not just me. It’s all of us. It’s this stupid disease that we were randomly chosen to deal with. There are days where I hate it, resent it, because of what it does to me. It made me feel like all I was, was a number. A blood sugar number, the number of carbs for my meal, the number of units of insulin I had to inject in myself. It made me feel like my family no longer looked at me as a daughter or a sister, but as a diabetic. Then it made me self-conscious, with my weight, the scars I would get from injections in finger pricks. Finally and worst of all, it made me feel like I was a failure. Every time my numbers weren’t correct, I failed. Every time I had a low or a high blood sugar, I failed. Every time I woke up feeling too exhausted to go to class or to run faster during volleyball tryouts, I failed. The only thing I had to blame was myself. Sure you can blame diabetes, but diabetes doesn’t care. Diabetes doesn’t feel guilty, and diabetes doesn’t feel ashamed, or embarrassed.

Then there are those other days, the days everything’s not so bad. The days where I hit that perfect range or begin to feel energy like I used too. The days that I can look back on the bad days and appreciate the battle I’ve gone through. While I believe that I have a lot more bad days than good, the good days keep me going. I think that’s an important lesson to learn, not only with being a diabetic, but with life. I may have more bad days than the average person, but still, everyone has bad days. Everyone has those moments where they feel like a complete failure, they wish they weren’t themselves. They wish their lives weren’t their own. However, without those days, I would be stuck in an ignorant reality. My bad days are the reason my good days are so good. They are the reason that I don’t end my life. They are the reason that I believe that I am strong, that I am something special, something good.

As much as I want to get rid of my diabetes and not have to deal with the burden of it, I have to appreciate the fact that it has contributed so much to my growth as a person. And as it goes, I like who I am. I’m proud of who I am. Tomorrow I may wake up feeling completely different. Tomorrow I may hate who I am, hate what I have to deal with, hate the world, but then again, I might have a day soon where everything goes unexpectedly perfect and I can appreciate everything again.

It’s an endless journey dealing with diabetes, but then again so is life. We all have something to hate about ourselves, something we want to change, something we wish we didn’t have to deal with, but would we have those things that we love without the things that we hate. Would they mean as much to us, if we didn’t have those stupid burdens to deal with?

Would cake taste so delicious if health food was just as good? Would we love the people we love, if others hadn’t had hurt us before them? Would we drive ourselves to be better at something, if everyone always had the same amount of talent? We all want to be something special, it’s in our competitive nature. Diabetes gives me an opportunity to be something special, maybe a little more special than some. 

but they never tell you about losing your best friend when you fall out of love.

and oh how quickly that changed. I believed in the possibility of having what I never deserved. Oh what a beautiful liar you were.

One day you will meet someone and they will completely turn your life upside down. It may not be the very first time you meet them, it may not be for a whole year, but it will happen. Their very existence will make you question how you’ve led your life so many years without them. They will cause a change in your soul and your heart and place a passion in there you were never sure you could ever experience. No matter how hard you try, it will consume you and you’ll have no choice but to latch on to the ride you are in store for. Then at the highest point of your happiness, this person you have come to love will without doubt break your heart. It will be a pain you have never felt before, like a thousand bullets hitting your core. And after all that pain and all that heartbreak you will find that it is not enough to keep you away. It is not enough to convince yourself to let go. Love will break your heart, there is no question in that. And the people who you love will hurt you because we are all human and that it what happens. But when you have had your heartbroken by the one you love and you are still there, fighting to be with them after all they have put you through. That is true love. A love that heartbreak cannot shatter.

Angry, Angry, Angry, right now, I’m so freaking angry. Seriously, I don’t know what the hell is going through your brain but I know that you know its killing me sitting here in the dark having no idea what’s going to happen. Now instead of being super excited to return to school and seeing all my friends again, I’m pissed and scared. And right now, it’s because you don’t have time to talk to me, well, hmm… somehow I don’t believe that. You’re just giving yourself time where you don’t have to confront this. Well poop on you, because now I’m worried about having my heart broken again, and well that just sucks. Ughh there is just so much I want to do right now, but here I am, stuck at home, with nothing to do and no place to go, just thinking about the absolute worst possible outcomes of when I return. I don’t even know how this all got to this point. The whole situation is stupid because I know what I deserve and I know that I’m worth it, so why am I here so frustrated?

My soul is aching to love you, its more than just desire. Before now I have withheld my strength and my courage, but no more. I am here as vulnerable as ever, praying that I get the chance to love you.

angel-frommynightmare:

I’m not asking for a fairy tale romance. I just don’t want to lay in bed, alone and sad, the way I do practically every night. 

Ughh My Life right now…

Just reread my journal from five years ago. I’m still amazed about how I described all the symptoms of being a diabetic that I was feeling in the few weeks before I was diagnosed and the thought of diabetes never even crossed my mind. It’s so weird, the majority of my life I have been without diabetes and yesterday marked five years, but today I can’t even remember a life without needles, finger pricks, and the daily exhaustions from highs and lows.